Imagine that you are at a dinner where the subject of relationship comes up. A question is asked: “What’s a secret to a good marriage?” The collective groan begins. Asking for the secret couples counseling app for your grandmother’s famous lasagne is like asking everyone for their opinion. But no one can be sure.
As a marriage & family therapist, i’ve seen everything. Couples who only communicate by eye rolling to families with a storyline that would rival soap operas. Here are some nuggets that could help you to avoid relationship landmines.
Let’s first talk about communication. No, not that kind of communication where you nod as you scroll through Instagram. Playing catch is a better way to communicate. You throw and they catch. Simple? Sure. Easy? Not always.
Imagine Sarah and John. Sarah complains that John is too busy at work. John, when he hears Sarah say “You don’t give a damn about me”, gets defensive. He then explains how hard he is working for their future. Misfires are a classic! Instead of catching her feelings (what Sarah threw), he threw back his own frustration.
Listen first, then respond. You can try repeating your partner’s words before you add your opinion. You can use magic words like “I understand you feel neglected if I work late.”
Now, let’s move on to conflict resolution. You’ve probably noticed that some arguments spiral out-of-control faster than a child on sugar. It’s because many people fight to win, rather than solve problems. Newsflash: When you win an argument, you usually lose something else, like peace or confidence.
Emma and Mike are two of my clients. The two fought over dirty dishes and weekend plans, but they both realized one thing: They were fighting for approval rather than solutions.
It was helpful to set ground rules before arguments. For example, don’t use name-calling or bring up past mistakes. Also, avoid storming out of the conversation like in a dramatic film scene.
Talking of drama, lets talk about the dynamics in your family because boy oh man can they get tangled! Family life is like a web of threads where everything affects each other.
Lisa, for example, felt stressed out by her schedules and her husband Dave appeared to be unaware of it. Lisa did not continue to stew in resentment, as she had done initially. Instead, Lisa opened up about her need for help without making Dave uncomfortable.
Dave performed better than expected for what reason? People don’t have mind-reading abilities! If you’re looking for support or want to make changes in your family, speak up but be kind.
Humor can also play a role in relationships. Imagine it as the WD-40 of human connection; it helps to ease tension. The couple I worked for used humor as a secret weapon to deal with stressors, such as financial problems or parenting issues. They had even inside jokes regarding their therapy sessions.
It’s important to take care of yourself. It’s not possible to pour from an unfilled cup. It is important to keep a healthy balance.
Last but not least, and it may sound cliché, but gratitude is far more powerful than any complaint. Acknowledging each other’s efforts regularly will create positive reinforcement loops that are stronger than any argument.
You’ll be able to offer plenty of insight the next time someone asks you about your relationship secrets at a dinner party (and possibly save them from future ridicule). Together we thrive when we live each day in love, while also understanding one another deeply.